About 'hotmail my account'|I want my Hotmail account back
Are you like me and have to check your "spam" or junk folder in your email every so often to make sure nothing legitimate ended up there? I do it regularly because I have had instances where I have missed things that accidentally ended up there. Situations like my company's email server being extra-protective or my silly Hotmail account thinking a link my wife sent me about Asperger's from her personal Yahoo account is some treacherous and nasty Trojan horse virus. It's a minor pain in my butt, but most days I deal. Then there are days when I just despise spam mail. It is useless drivel that fills my email space with advertisements and enticements that are typically ones you'd be embarrassed to talk about at church. While I look for familiar names or addresses, they force me to review their subject lines and email addresses, hoping to hook me with that one special email. I once read that the people and companies behind these emails make MILLIONS of dollars by shooting out these random feelers out to anyone and everyone with an active email account. When I read that, right there for a brief second I wanted to be "that guy." Then I thought about it and decided I didn't want loads of people wishing a terminal illness on me or something like that. There are probably enough people wishing that on me anyway. I'm good. Have you ever wondered though what your life would be like if you responded to everything in your spam folder? Think about that. The things that are promised to me in my spam folder are life changing, both good and bad. Let's take a look. There are several emails right now in my junk folder that promise me my "man business" could be AT LEAST 4 inches longer if I use their product. Four G.D. inches. I wouldn't know what to do with that. However, if this was a legit deal, I guaran-f'n-tee every dude in America is mailing in for that one. That is a fact. Another one mentions bigger "girth." Can anyone even say that word without meaning a dude's junk? Even if you aren't meaning it, I bet the receiver of that message is thinking in the back of their head "heh heh, they said girth." Male enhancement products are probably 50 percent of all spam emails. Just outstandingly funny. To go along with my new "growth spurt," I can get an endless supply of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra delivered right to my door from a discreet courier from below the border. Best of all, I don't need a pesky prescription either. That's what they tell me anyway. A "discreet courier?" That sounds like a job I want. "What do you do?" "Oh, I'm a discreet courier from below the border." What they don't tell you is the guy is discreet, but he shows up in front of your house with a truck that says VIAGRA down the side and has flashing blue lights. As luck would have it, it appears I have won a lottery in the U.K. (again), and all I need to do to claim my winnings is email them my bank account and routing number. Well sure! No harm there. I would love to collect my 50,000 units of some currency that probably doesn't exist or converts down to about $1.24. The joke would really be on them though if they try to scam money from my account. Idiots, I don't have any money. I'm married. I don't know anyone named "Carol," but by God she is trying to contact me via Facebook and she wants to see me tonight!!! Do you think she wants to meet my wife too? I'm betting no. Odds are good it's some hairy wussy guy living in his dead mother's house. Yeah I said dead mother, and she's still in the house too. Oh, and there is a pit in the basement. And it puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again. - .. OK - I'll stop. Look at this! Apparently four people from my high school looked me up specifically today and want to reconnect! I don't know whether to feel honored or to hang myself. Not to say high school was bad or anything, but you know what I'm talking about. It's just so - .high school. Whoa, hold the phone! If I take this unemployment survey, I get $500!!! Do I have to be unemployed? If I take the survey, will I become unemployed? If I take the survey and get the $500, does that mean I was employed but am unemployed again? Do I need to notify the state unemployment people and tell them I took the survey about unemployment? Too many questions and I am nowhere near drunk enough to even think on that level. I better delete that one. Amazon Kindle's for $8.76? Great Oden's Raven that is a sweet deal! But when you get it, it is missing the power button, the letter S and the screen flickers. Not bad for under $9. Then again, there is that place where you can read books for free, what is that called? Oh yeah. The library. Check it out! Real sexy and single older people have invited me. Invited me to what? An early bird buffet? The Lutheran Home Tuesday Sudoku Challenge? Trust me, they want none of this action when it comes to buffets and Sudoku. I will kick their brittle asses to get some chocolate pudding, and to fill in that ninth square. We'll see how sexy they think that is. And what is the definition of "older" anyway? It's all perspective. Then again, so is sexy. These people might be some really old ass ugly people. So that's what I've got. I'm happy to say I am very content with what I have without the help of my spam mail. Not to say I still don't have to check it. Stay tuned though because you never know what could happen. Maybe I'll get ripping drunk some night and be back telling a different tale. That tale could be written on my new Amazon Kindle, while I'm sitting here with my long and wide man business, a vast supply of Viagra, my $500 unemployment windfall, $1.24 lotto winnings and the fact I am STILL popular with people from high school. Yep, I am all that and a bag of chips. |
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